My Best Year

So, I've got some goals.  Several large goals.  And I was feeling a little at a loss of how to achieve them or, rather, of how to stay focused and plan all the steps out to achieving them.  I mean, they aren't really out of the ordinary goals:  to become a minister, to further my dance, to get my body back in dance shape.  These aren't things that are difficult to manage.....mostly. 

What is difficult to manage is the DOING of it all and, to borrow from Sir Terry Pratchett, the "headology" of it all.  In order to do this, I have to focus, with intention and with clarity, and map things out.

To that end, I stumbled across a book called "Your Best Year: 2018 Life Edition" by Lisa Jacobs.  It is a book designed to help you clarify your goals and map them and achieve them.  I'll be doing some of the work from the book here because I think it will be kind of fun to put it out there and join in the online fun.  Lisa blogs over at http://www.marketyourcreativity.com/blog/  and she's doing a 7 day review of the year there, which is also the beginning of her book.   I'm several days behind, so I am going to jump in now with answers to the first two sections of the book and Day 1 of her seven day review.

1. What was time very well spent this year?

• PSG - a week with friends and freres.
• Memorial Day trip to Pawhusaka OK with Kristin
• The first two college classes to finish my degree
• Talking with River about Ken Wilbur
• Las Vegas Trip

2. What was money very well spent this year?

• The months where I paid for housecleaning
• New TV stand
• New bedroom set
• Gaming/graphics computer
• Art supplies for ST
• Dinner at Mon Ami Gabi with ST in Vegas

3. What are your favorite memories of 2017?

• Waking up to see the mist on the lake at PSG
• Snorkeling for the first time
• Playing games with Mom and Dad
• Seeing ST show his artwork
• Driving around Chicago with Kelsey looking at where we used to live and work
• Seeing the Marvel exhibit with Linda and Jim and Marla
• Riding the train around Vegas with ST late at night

4. What did you accomplish or complete this year?

• Danced in public again

5. Did you make any progress on long term goals?

• I finished my first quarter back in school to finish my Bachelor's Degree

6. What felt successful about the year, as a whole?

• Realizing how unhappy I was at my job
• Making the decision to become a minister
• Volunteering at Stepping Stones and making a difference.
• Losing a size in tops and pants

7. Did you overcome any obstacles or mental blocks this year?

• I got fired from my dream job and didn't die.
• I stepped back on the dance floor after thinking I had left that part of me behind.
• I was able to weigh myself and track food without freaking out.

8. What did you learn about yourself after all that happened in 2017?

• I am resilient.
• My body loves it when I dance and move.
• I am a good partner
• I am compassionate and make others feel safe.

9. Who nurtured or supported you most this year?

• ST
• Linda
• Kelsey
• Kristin

10. Who did you enjoy nurturing or supporting?

• Kelsey
• Linda
• ST
• Kristin

Believing

I feel like I should discuss my specific beliefs here for anyone reading who might not quite understand where I'm coming from. 

First and foremost, I am Pagan.  This is a really broad term that can mean (and usually does mean) something different to every person who claims that term.   My own specific pagan definition includes....a lot.   The "elevator speech" I have about my pagan beliefs is that I am a Multiversalist Eclectic Witch with heavy Reclaiming leanings who is an ecstatic worshiper.   Let's unpack that a little, shall we?  And then add a few more layers.

Multiversalist.  Basically, I really do believe that we are part of one of many different, overlapping, overlaid, universes that exist simultaneously.   These other universes touch ours (or at least some of them do) and these other places are where gods/goddesses/giddens emerge from.   My own beliefs also have led me to not use the words god or goddess so much anymore.  I prefer "Mysterious Ones" because it's gender neutral and really, the baggage that is attached with those other words is a lot.  The general public, when they hear that I am "working with" a god/goddess generally assume that this other being is someone who is above me or greater than me (or them) somehow.   That is the farthest thing from my own experience.   These Mysterious Ones may seem "more" than me in some ways but they are not above me.  Those other beings who show up for me, they are not someone I kneel to or bow to anymore than I would kneel or bow to a mentor or really good friend.   These Mysterious Ones walk beside me and I beside them.  We are in relationship, and for the most part, it is one of equals (see: Mentor.  Which isn't totally an equal relationship) and one of family.

Eclectic.   These Mysterious Ones that have shown up for me come from all cultures around the world.   I struggle with this on the one hand because I in no way want to participate in cultural appropriation.  There is a baggage attached to being a white woman who works with African or Hindu deities that can be very hurtful to people who are from those cultures.  I tend to be very quiet about those because, while I know what I am experiencing, I really don't want to be hurtful to anyone who might not fully understand my experience.  That said, I do have a relationship with Ganesh and with Shiva.  I do have a passing acquaintance with Oya and an on again, off again thing with Anansi.  The other beloved freres I deal with come from various other European cultures.  I also have some animal spirit guides who show up when I am doing journey-work or deep meditation.

Witch.  Oh, this one is a good word, isn't it?  I claim it because I am someone who does work magic.  Now, I don't do "spells" as Disney or Shakespeare would have you think of them.  What I do is focus my will on a specific outcome and then back my will up with specific actions.  I am an energy worker and know I can gather and then send out that energy to a specific purpose. 

Heavily Reclaiming Leanings.  Reclaiming Tradition is one that was founded by, among others, Starhawk.  It is an ecstatic tradition.  It is a tradition that holds the Earth dear and believes that we can not only reclaim our own power as people but that we can reclaim the Earth and steward it in a way that will sustain all life.  I've done a bit of training within the Reclaiming Tradition but I have not done enough that I feel I could call myself a part of that tradition.

Ecstatic.  Yes, this is the big one for me.  I find my connection with others, with the universe as a whole, with the Mysterious Ones via ecstatic means such as movement and/or song.  While I can find connection outside myself when sitting in a pew, to really and fully reach feeling like I've lost myself and felt that deep connection that exists between all beings, I have only done so when I've been doing some kind of ecstatic worship.

That's me as a Pagan.   Next up:  Me as a Unitarian Universalist.

"Witchcraft...is a spiritual path. You walk it for nourishment of the soul, to commune with the life force of the Universe. and to thereby better know your own life.

-Christopher Penczak

"My first rule of Witchcraft is Don't Burn the Witch"

-Heron Michelle

Isn't' it interesting the way that the universe presents you with opportunities the minute you decide to turn your life in a certain direction?  And isn't it interesting how, when you put your feet upon a path that really is the path you should be on, how the doors fly open and any obstacles are swept completely out of your way?   That's how it feels with this whole minister thing for me.

The biggest thing I have to deal with, in my opinion anyhow, is the schooling aspect of getting my Masters of Divinity.  First, I have to finish my Bachelor's degree, which is something I've let hang around in the background of my life for...oh.....the last twenty years or so.  I've started back several times and really, just couldn't see the point of it.   It was a piece of paper that really had very little bearing on my life or career.  Sure, I might have started out at a better salary if I'd had that piece of paper, but every time I started to make moves to go back, it never felt like anything other than some hoops I was jumping through only because it felt expected of me that I jump through them.

If you've known me for more than five minutes, doing anything merely because it is "expected" of me is not something I do very often, if ever.   I'm oppositional in ways that aren't always in my best interests.   This situation was one of those that most likely wasn't in my best interests.

Now, though, things have changed.  This piece of paper isn't just for show or an addition to my resume.  It's a rung on the ladder to get where I really want to be.  There is actually a purpose to my having this degree, so I'm going to get it.   I've gone back to a program that I applied to several years ago that is designed for adults who are working to finish their degree in an accelerated fashion.   I did this last week.   In seven days, I've been accepted, done the placement testing, met with my advisor and tonight I go to orientation.  I start classes on 10/16.   To say that the doors have opened easily is an understatement.  It has felt like every time I moved forward on the track to getting back into school, the wheels were greased!   I'm super excited to get this underway and to be done with this first part of my education.

I'm also finding ample opportunities presented to me to do "Priestessing".  Which is what I prefer to call what I do, rather than "ministering".   I have spoken with the minister at my church and she has let me know that she has wanted to train some lay ministers to be able to do weddings and funerals.  Guess who was on her list to ask about that?   I am also leading  one of several small "covenant groups" in the church which will meet every month.   Pagan-wise, I will be facilitating a large-ish public ritual at Central Illinois Pagan Pride Day coming up in a few weeks.  I am figuring out what my schedule looks like to perhaps begin doing some classes that I have wanted to do for a while.   And I am going to start teaching dance again, which is a whole other way to Priestess.

It's been weird to tell people that this is what I am going to do.  Thankfully, it has been met with positive reactions for the most part.  My parents have no idea what to make of this, and that's understandable.  They don't really understand my beliefs as they don't fall into the Christian paradigm so knowing that I'm not a Christian and hearing that I want to be a minister might be a bit dissonant to them.  They were both sweet when they heard though, and I know they are happy that I'm finishing my Bachelor's Degree.

Me?  I'm happier than I've been in a while.  I'm challenged by figuring this all out and still looking for full time work.  I'm wondering a bit how working will go when I am in seminary but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.  For right now, I'm going to enjoy feeling like I'm doing what I've been meant to do for a long time now.  I know the details will fall into place, you might just say that I have faith.

"When you follow your bliss...doors will open where you would not have thought there would be doors; and where there wouldn't be a door for anyone else"

-Joseph Campbell

Five days ago, I lost the job that I thought was my dream job.  I had made plans, so many plans.  How I would continue working for this company until I achieved some other career goals.  How my life was "settled" and I would buy a house and all the things to fill it up.  How I would travel on my time off and explore the world with my husband and friends.  So much for plans.

When I was told that I was being "terminated" (who comes UP with these terms?), I felt strangely calm.  I had some inkling that this is where things were moving, so it wasn't a complete shock.  And, after the initial "oh FUCK" period, honestly, I felt relieved.  That was a very telling emotion.  This dream job that I had thought would be the end all and be all wasn't actually all that dreamy for me.  I had a thought that this might actually have been a good thing, in the long run. 

Instead of standing and fretting about what could have been, I felt like I had a sea of options before me.  I had a moment that few people get to experience; one of "if I could do anything what would that be?".   I had a chance to let my most secret dreams out of their box.  And when I asked myself that question, one major thing came to the forefront:  I want to be a minister. 

I have felt for quite some time a call to ministry.  I have done some thinking about that and what that might actually look like for me.  But prior to now it all seemed like a fanciful thing.  Like something that I was, perhaps, being conceited about.  As if I were taking myself too seriously to think I would be a person who ministers to others.   In one short meeting, though, it became a possibility.   A possibility I am embracing.  This really is a call I hear in my heart.

I have begun having conversations with friends I know who are ministers.  I have begun speaking with the minister at the church I attend.  And, I have begun writing here to put down my own conversations with myself about ministry, the shape it might take for me, and my journey towards making this a reality.

Obviously, this is not going to be an overnight thing.  I will be getting a different job while I work towards this goal.  I will still have to deal with the complexities of health insurance, paying all the bills and everyday life.  It all feels like it will be ok, though.  I am happy.  And scared. But mostly happy. 

I'm running off a cliff to chase after something I thought would perhaps maybe ONE day be a side thing.   I'm pretty sure I'm going to land on my feet.


"Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase" - Martin Luther King, Jr

"Leap and the net will appear" - Julia Margaret Cameron