Five days ago, I lost the job that I thought was my dream job.  I had made plans, so many plans.  How I would continue working for this company until I achieved some other career goals.  How my life was "settled" and I would buy a house and all the things to fill it up.  How I would travel on my time off and explore the world with my husband and friends.  So much for plans.

When I was told that I was being "terminated" (who comes UP with these terms?), I felt strangely calm.  I had some inkling that this is where things were moving, so it wasn't a complete shock.  And, after the initial "oh FUCK" period, honestly, I felt relieved.  That was a very telling emotion.  This dream job that I had thought would be the end all and be all wasn't actually all that dreamy for me.  I had a thought that this might actually have been a good thing, in the long run. 

Instead of standing and fretting about what could have been, I felt like I had a sea of options before me.  I had a moment that few people get to experience; one of "if I could do anything what would that be?".   I had a chance to let my most secret dreams out of their box.  And when I asked myself that question, one major thing came to the forefront:  I want to be a minister. 

I have felt for quite some time a call to ministry.  I have done some thinking about that and what that might actually look like for me.  But prior to now it all seemed like a fanciful thing.  Like something that I was, perhaps, being conceited about.  As if I were taking myself too seriously to think I would be a person who ministers to others.   In one short meeting, though, it became a possibility.   A possibility I am embracing.  This really is a call I hear in my heart.

I have begun having conversations with friends I know who are ministers.  I have begun speaking with the minister at the church I attend.  And, I have begun writing here to put down my own conversations with myself about ministry, the shape it might take for me, and my journey towards making this a reality.

Obviously, this is not going to be an overnight thing.  I will be getting a different job while I work towards this goal.  I will still have to deal with the complexities of health insurance, paying all the bills and everyday life.  It all feels like it will be ok, though.  I am happy.  And scared. But mostly happy. 

I'm running off a cliff to chase after something I thought would perhaps maybe ONE day be a side thing.   I'm pretty sure I'm going to land on my feet.


"Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase" - Martin Luther King, Jr

"Leap and the net will appear" - Julia Margaret Cameron